How Do I Go On?
by minimumstitch
Summary: Ianto loses his battle with cancer and Jack faces a future without him.


He looked everywhere but at the bed, the bloated corpse mocking him. This thing wasn't his Ianto, his beautiful boy, it was grotesque. Jack had seen so many bodies in his life but none had affected him so much as the one in front of him.

The symptoms had started so slowly that by the time it registered that something was truly wrong it was too late. The bone-numbing weariness that had wracked Ianto had been brushed off as too many late nights "weevil hunting" with Jack and had been mocked by all, including Ianto himself. It was only when the donor bank had refused to take Ianto's blood because of severe anaemia that he finally went to see Owen for blood tests.

Owen hadn't been able to look the pair in the eye as he announced the blood test results. It had taken a minute for Owen's words to sink in, but when they had Jack could not contain the sobs that erupted from him. Ianto was so young, had so much to give. Jack had known that Ianto would die at a young age but he was supposed to go out in a blaze of glory, not with a whimper.

Ianto had sat beside him numbly as he told Gwen and Tosh the news, his voice breaking as he said the words out loud. Before, he could pretend that it was a nightmare, a sick joke his mind was playing on him but as soon as he said the word "cancer" reality came crashing down.

The oncologist had told them that it was a grade 3 cancer; the most aggressive and that they would need to begin chemotherapy as soon as possible, what he hadn't told them was that the treatment was purely palliative.

Ianto's veins had been unable to withstand the constant abuse of the chemotherapy needles so they had inserted a central line. Every time Jack caught sight of Ianto's chest he was reminded that his lover was dying. In the rare times when Ianto was not exhausted or ill from the chemotherapy, Jack had made love to him, pressing his chest against Ianto's back to avoid the reminder of Ianto's mortality.

The effects of the chemotherapy had soon begun to show themselves. Ianto had woken up on Christmas day to find a huge chunk of hair on his pillow. Jack had been wracked with guilt as the week leading up to Christmas, each time he had run his fingers through Ianto's thick, dark locks they had ended up coated in his hair and Jack had quickly removed the evidence before Ianto had seen. Christmas morning had been spent with Jack shaving Ianto's head at the young man's insistence.

The chemotherapy began to take its toll and Jack had begun to lose Ianto. As soon as they had found out about the cancer Jack had confined Ianto to desk duties, but it had not been long before even that had been too much for the young man. The drugs had attacked Ianto's eyes, weakening them so much that not even the most high-powered magnifying lens could make up for his poor vision.

A few weeks after that, Toshiko had taken over Ianto's coffee making duties as the cancer had begun to attack his nervous system, causing him to tremble so much that he had been unable to carry a coffee mug. He had smiled when the team presented him with his own dinosaur lidded beaker, but later, in the comfort of Jack's arms he had sobbed. He had pleaded with Jack to kill him, anything to stop the slow decay.

When Ianto could no longer drink coffee because of the blisters in his mouth and the loss of his taste buds Jack knew he had lost him. Coffee had been the one thing to give him a small ounce of pleasure (apart from Jack) and when that had gone he had seen the small spark of stubbornness and determination extinguished from his lover's eyes.

One day, Jack had found Ianto talking to the air, the gaps in Ianto's words perfectly spaced for the replies he alone was hearing. Jack hadn't known whether Ianto had been hallucinating or whether the veil between life and death had weakened so much that Ianto had been able to converse with the ghosts of the hub. When Jack had asked him who he had been talking to Ianto had looked at him with such confusion and dismay that it had never been mentioned again, but he had often found him talking to himself after that.

The day before Ianto died, Jack had escorted him to the hospital to have his line cleaned and on the way back to the hub from the SUV Ianto's legs had given out on him. The walk had turned into a macabre dance, Jack holding Ianto up and Ianto clinging on to him in fear. Jack had been unable to look him in they eye at Ianto's dismayed question "How am I going to get to the toilet now?"

They had taken Ianto to the hospital and waited as the doctors examined him. Tosh and Gwen had smiled as the Ianto they knew and love had returned to them. Gone was the pale, listless, wraith and in its place was Ianto Jones, full of wit and snark. Only Owen and Jack had not smiled, aware that this was Ianto giving them the chance to say goodbye and remember him as he had been.

Jack had made full use of the time Ianto had given him, teasing and whispering words of love while holding his hand, trying to memorise his voice and actions at Jack's words. The nurse had ushered them out of the room so that they could perform some tests. As they had waited in a small non-descript room, Gwen and Tosh talked about how good Ianto had looked. Jack had said nothing, not wishing to take away their hope.

Their chatter had stopped at the sound of the door opening and a young doctor coming in. The doctor turned to Jack, automatically recognising the way the other's had looked to him. "I'm sorry, while we were performing tests Mr Jones stopped breathing and had to be resuscitated. He is breathing but is unconscious." He looked at Jack gravely before choosing his words carefully. "I need to know, if Mr Jones stops breathing again, do you wish us to resuscitate him?"

Jack looked at Owen, Gwen and Tosh but none of them would look at him, all of them studying the floor, none of them wishing to make a decision that would condemn Ianto to death or prolong the farce of life. Tears rolled down Jack's face as he told the doctor in a broken voice "No life-saving measures".

"Very well. You can go and sit with him."

The others had gone on ahead and Jack had walked behind them slowly, trying to delay the inevitable. When he entered the room his breath had caught and the tears had begun to flow. Ianto was unrecognisable, his features distorted, eyes swollen closed, face covered by the oxygen mask, body covered in a thin hospital gown.

Jack had moved towards the bed and the girls had moved away from Ianto's bedside so that Jack could be beside his lover. Owen had sat at the back, his head in his hands, refusing to look at Ianto; unable to bear the knowledge that he was unable to do anything to help his friend.

They had sat in the room, Gwen, Tosh and Jack taking turns to hold Ianto's hand and talk about nothing and everything. Gwen had been at Ianto's side when he had removed the oxygen mask and tried to remove his gown. She had looked at Owen, the hope shining in her eyes dying as he shook his head

"He's still in a coma, it's just reflex actions. Teaboy is gone." His voice broke at the end and he quickly turned away, unwilling to let anyone see the tears in his eyes.

In the morning, the doctor had come back in the room to find all four of them still there. Jack had tried sending them home but had given up when they had refused to leave.

"The orderly is going to take Mr Jones to the MRI department. We want to have a look at his brain, just to see what is going on. The canteen downstairs is open if you want a drink while you are waiting. It will take about 30 minutes or so."

Jack had pressed a kiss to Ianto's brow before they had wheeled him away. The group made their way to the canteen in silence, Toshiko sliding her hand into Jack's. At the canteen they had ordered tea, unable to face drinking coffee without Ianto. Gwen had talked, not letting go of the hope that Ianto would still recover and insisted on stopping at the hospital gift shop to buy a cuddly dinosaur for him "Something for him to hold when he wakes up, they didn't have any pterodactyls."

When they returned to Ianto's room it had been to find a nurse waiting for them. She had led them to the waiting room and asked them to wait for the doctor. Jack had paced the room, hands behind his back, head bowed. He hadn't turned when the door opened and the doctor stepped. He had known what was coming.

The doctor spoke to the room. "I'm sorry, Mr Jones died on the way back from the MRI department." The girls began to sob and Owen held them close. The doctor had moved towards Jack. "Do you understand? Mr Jones is dead. He has gone."

Jack had turned to the doctor, tears rolling down his face. When he spoke it was with icy disdain. "I know exactly what you are saying. My lover is dead and I am alone." At his words Toshiko had moved away from Owen to embrace Jack and he had clung to her like a drowning man clinging to a life-raft.

And now, here Jack was, trying desperately not to look at his lover, to see the mouth he had loved to kiss, unmoving, the eyes that had held such a spark of mischief, empty. Owen, Gwen and Toshiko sat around the bed but Jack stayed at the back of the room, pressed against the wall.

When he slipped out of the room Toshiko followed him. She placed a hand on his arm and he turned into her embrace, his eyes puffy and swollen from his sobs. He sank to his knees, wrapping his arms around her waist. "What am I going to do now? How do I go on? I need him so much! Oh god, I want him back. Please I want him back!" He cried.

Tosh said nothing, holding him until his sobs subsided and he got to his feet, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his greatcoat. She took his hand and led him back into the room to say goodbye to his lover.


End file.
